It’s Been A Minute Since Someone Called Me A Whore

I overstand that there are people in this world that are deeply disturbed, I also overstand that in this age of social media networking it is almost inevitable that you will have a cyber encounter with a disturbed individual. I know I am not the first nor will I be the last woman to experience sexual harassment online. Since my journey in the digital landscape I have blocked male email accounts; FB accounts and YouTube Users. However this mornings encounter left me shook on a multitude of levels and is one of the reasons I am blogging about it.

Before you read any further I need to issue a *TRIGGER ALERT* and an *Explicit Language* alert for sensitive readers.

Almost 11 weeks ago I posted a selfie of myself as I was getting ready to attend a birthday celebration at the Harlem restaurant. I took that selfie cuz it was one of those rare occasions where I was dressed up. I’m usually dressed in my hip hop gear…hoodies, t’s and caps. I actually couldn’t believe the woman looking back in the mirror was me…she looked beautiful, sexy, confident. So I snapped and posted.

11 weeks later I have some new comments for that selfie that make me wanna throw up. After skimming the comments I clicked on the persons Instagram handle. It took me to a page filled with pornographic images of young white women and girls. I went back to my pic…I went through so many reactions within minutes of reading:

1. I was grossed out
2. I was infuriated and felt violated

And then the language began to set off triggers causing me to actually question whether those comments were warranted because I was dressed up and looking “sexy”… The classic: “maybe I asked for it”…

I had to have a major inner cipher with my consciousness and a major sage smudge so I cud really listen to the truth that my intuition was attempting to lift to my mental. NO YOU DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS SHIT!!!

So I reported this sexual predator. I blocked this sexual predator. And then I responded to the comments:

Here are the comments to my Instagram selfie below:

#meow2U2
I want to cum all over u
A Native whore is a need not a want
Nice Aboriginal pussy

My response:

In light of #MMIW (murdered missing indigenous women I have blocked u and reported u) my physical beauty is not an open invitation for verbally sadistic rape talk. Language such as this is sexual harassment and an act of violence. No matter what the medium this kind of talk is an act of violence against women. And not only are u attempting to degrade my gender but also my ethnicity. You are obviously disturbed and sick and need help.

Will this incident deter me from expressing myself visually online…no. This incident is a reminder that both the physical and cyber worlds I navigate through are rancid with systemic sexism; racism and every other ism u can imagine. I will continue to represent myself with courage; integrity and straight up fierceness. I spent a large part of my adolescences and early adulthood plagued by fear because of perverts like this Instagram dude. I’ve come to far in my personal healing journey to revert back to victim status.

M

Selfie Revolution….What Are u Afraid Of?

Big ups to Kim Katrin Crosby, The People Project, for staying on top of the selfie struggle. I am actually floored but not surprised that people are openly; violently opposed to POC; Indigenous people; differently abled; Two-Spirited; Trans gendered…selfie images flooding the World Wide Web. Seriously??? Let me say this, since the selfie I have had the incredible opportunity to visually engage with so many beautiful; unique; diverse; inspiring individuals from around the world. Images of people which never graced the print magazines; or television shows of the 80′s and 90′s. I have always been mad self-conscious about being photographed and even throughout the years as I became more involved with the arts and entertainment industry; I still cringed at the thought of getting my picture taken. Like many of us I had physical insecurities compounded by systemic racism…leading to self-hatred and identity challenges: Too skinny; Too fat; Too exotic; Not black enuff; Not native enuff; Funny nose; Gap tooth smile; Too Flat chested; Too much ass……anyway the selfie is my photo flash record therapy these days. I feel a lot different about my kinda beauty now…which is “my kinda beauty”…I see it shinning inside and out and when social media friends, fans and complete strangers identify positively with my kinda beauty…that’s a validation that speaks volumes to why I selfie and why many of us selfie. When I hashtag #nativepride #afronative under a selfie, I have sent out a beacon to others who self identify in a way that we couldn’t in school or in the work place or even in our own families…communities. I am not completely comfortable with the term “role model”, but I do know a lot of POC and Indigenous youth look up to me so my selfies indirectly encourage healthy positive self-expression; knowledge of self and the decolonization of Western European standards of beauty; and I’m down wit that. I have an inherent right to b “myself”; express “myself”; luv “myself”!! I am more than a serial number! More than a bar code! More than a box to b checked on a census form! I am visually iconic so deal with it!

U can’t box me in cuz I’m wearing my own skin!!!</blockquote>

So to all those selfie haters who claim, “POC and Indigenous people are saturating social media with visual egocentric pollution”
#unplugandstoptrollingus
!!

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Still I Rize #4: Reclaiming Konoronhkwa

It’s been said many times; many ways….so much so that for many it has lost it’s essence and we choose to no longer believe in the power of Konoronhkwa…love. And yet next to laughter it is the greatest healing emotional energy in the universe. It is so sad that this cold world has corrupted it’s purity and therefore has left most of us repulsed by the very notion of it. So where will I begin….how will I reclaim Konoronhkwa in order to stimulate the re calibration of my emotional balance?? The first thing I needed to do wuz admit that I came up with both a lot of luv but also an equal amount of fuckery…dysfunction. And no matter how many times I bumped Mary J’s “Real Love” back in the day…I just couldn’t seem to get it right.
I needed to let go of past hurts; disappointments and pain from childhood and adolescence….grieve; forgive and let go. Love is one of the 7 Grandfather Teachings and sits in the Western Direction. Which is also the Adult Stages of Life. As an adult I must re embrace love and relearn love. I must harness the healing properties of love so I can offer those to others. I don’t want to spend my adulthood twisted up in knots….repelling potential opportunities; friendships and partners because I am incapable of Konoronhkwa. Our teachings tell us love brings us peace; harmony with our creator and creation; absolute kindness; freedom; self-acceptance.
To overstand Konoronhkwa is to overstand that it cannot be demanded; it is earned and once earned should flo freely without conditions. To overstand Konoronhkwa is to overstand that I will never be able to love u if I don’t love myself.

Konoronhkwa has taught me so many valuable lessons over the years. These lessons have enabled me to love without judgement and urgency and devotion when it comes to my art; community and seedlings. Today I am now attempting to love courageously…I am allowing my heart to b handled once again after four relationships had my heart battered; bruised; confused and barely beating.

Abandonment after giving initiates a decree of, “I’ll never give my heart away again.”
My true nature however is to love…cause I long for happiness and desire to make my self whole. So for almost six months I have opened up my heart to someone…we both are very strong and yet fragile and we both want to heal emotionally. As I let go of fear…my belief in the possibilities of Konoronhkwa is allowing me to experience the simple joys that a loving relationship should bring. These simple things make me smile; feel giddy and have me demonstrating “random acts” of affection in both private and public spaces. The key to emotional well being lies in the power of my love….<3

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Still I Rize #3: Ebb & Flo

Three months into my “nu me” movement and I still have many rivers to cross. My Eastern Direction shifts to healthier eating and regular exercise are slowly maintaining a rhythm of consistency. However as I begin integrating emotional health awareness into my life I will again
need to revisit aspects of my eating habits which actually contribute negatively to my emotional well being.

I will need to reduce sugar, fat, meat and dairy; I have already started looking for healthier substitutes. Starting this month I am also switching to eating only fish with high omega’s. No more chicken; pork or beef…with the exception of liver for my anemia. If I’m eating red meat or fowl it has to be game meat exclusively now.

What is emotional health? It encompasses mental health issues like depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, addiction, and other conditions. But being emotionally healthy also means managing day-to-day issues like stress, making and keeping friendships, changing bad habits, and using your creativity, all of which can have an impact on your physical health. Understanding emotional health means paying attention to your overall happiness and well-being. Being emotionally healthy also involves maintaining control of your thoughts and feelings. People with good emotional health are resilient in the face of challenges, find ways to express their creativity, and understand the importance of social connections. They also recognize the power of spirituality and the value of staying positive. One of my challenges is I’m somewhat of an empath; which means not only am I sensitive to the feelings of others, but I have a tendency to carry the emotions of others with me; which includes both positive feelings and negative. If I don’t release these emotions through smudging, drumming, meditation, forrest bathing, writing, exercising…. They can build up and cause me to become moody; overly emotional and can trigger other emotions associated with my own past hurts, which can cause anger, frustration, deep sadness, withdrawal….so I need to maintain those healthy emotional outlets. And keep up open communication with people close to me so misunderstandings can be avoided. This is also a challenge for me cause despite being a performer, I’m actually extremely shy and guarded about my feelings…especially where relationships are concerned.
I am working on letting go of insecurities within areas of my emotional life. Having a lack of confidence is stopping me from growing and blooming. So I am surrounding myself with individuals who show me why I should be feeling better about myself, they shine light on accomplishments that barely register when they should have. I have done more and come so much farther than I give myself credit for. Emotions are like waves. They come and go, ebb and flo….keeping my head above water; while embracing the tidal waves of life….I swim.

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Still I Rize Entry #2: My Body is My Totem

Since my first entry I have been seeking support from local herbalists; naturopaths; a family doctor; nutritionist to explore how to heal my physical state of being. My general physical health on a scale of 1-10 apparently currently sits at about an 8 but is on the decline, despite good eating habits and exercise….so I needed to dig deeper. After a physical and blood work it comes down to the bitter truth I’m getting “older” so my body needs different things in order to maintain optimal health. In my first entry I spoke about “tremors, triggers and traumas”….the physical naggings I have been experiencing lately like joint pain; muscle aches and headaches are tremors or signals that my body is changing and I need to make changes NOW!!! Lol…on the real though…yep gotta do it. I have already stopped excessive drinking and burning irresponsibly and I haven’t drunk coffee in almost 8 years; which will make the next level of lifestyle changes for my physical a little easier according to my support team. So what’s the plan? How is it gonna go down?

Top 5 Steps of the Eastern Direction Detox:

1. 20-40 min of physical activity a day to increase heart rate. I have re- enlisted my Jamaican personal trainer from 2008 days she makes a fitness boot camp look like Primary School Recess. I also need to integrate more daily stretching/yoga.

2. Breathing deeply 2-4 times a day
(4-6-8-10) I will be doing this first thing in the morning at least once in the middle of the day and again before bed. Inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth.

3. Regular sleep routine….easier said than done when you are an artist that gigs….the key will be consistency and being relaxed before sleep through specific herbal tea relaxants; aroma therapy; meditation; music. And no back to back late nights…. Body needs time to re-energize.

4. Diet (this is going to be huge…I gotta remove toxins…balance hormones….increase my iron, calcium, zinc, Omega- 3′s, and Melatonin….had to invest in a app to help me define all this new vocab. For this overhaul I need the combination of my herbalist; naturopath; and nutritionist…damn it’s like puberty all over again except twisted… Lol…here is a snap shop of the key dietary needs my body has now:

Kale, Dark Chocolate, Fatty Fish Oils, walnuts, eggs, apples, alfalfa, barley, baker’s yeast, beets, cherries, chickpeas, carrots, celery, cucumbers, dates, fennel, oats, olives and olive oil, papaya, peas, plums, pomegranates, potatoes, beans, rhubarb, rice, tomatoes, wheat and yams. Seeds such as sesame seeds, flaxseed and sunflower seeds. My herbalist wants more: anise seed, parsley, red clover, licorice, thyme, turmeric, verbena, sage and hops, black kosh kosh and tart cherry juice.

5. Heat: I need to start spending my winters in warmer climates as much as possible and in the meantime regular hot baths and visits to the Sauna at my gym.

As I begin the physical healing journey I will be posting updates on my Instagram Mahlikah. My next entry will focus on the emotional healing which will require major trust and commitment…..Ona:kii for now.

M

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Still I Rize Entry #1

Still I Rize is a new series of posts that will chronicle the healing journey I will be undertaking this year. Most of my social media followers know me as a dedicated hip hop artist; community warrior; educator; poet; radio host/producer….but like a lot of my peers for all the good I share with the worlds I navigate through; I also have flaws; tainted hollows of my subconscious mind that can and have sabotaged my ability to give and receive in a loving; respectful way. These tremors; triggers; traumas that I experienced during childhood; adolescence and early adulthood continue to resurface on occasion despite healthy eating; regular meditation; positive friends and family; exercise; ceremonies; elder consultations and creating artistically.
I’m tired of past pain robbing me of experiencing potential goodness in the present. I moved from victim to survivor years ago but now I need to transcend survivor. Just surviving as it turns out doesn’t facilitate true thriving….especially where relationships are concerned. Why am making this journey public? I’m already a public person and many people, especially youth consider me a role model. Maybe this will help others in addition to myself. As an MC I acknowledge my ego makes me stubborn and as a poet my emotions make me hyper sensitive so this level of commitment to a subconscious
detox will not be easy in the least. And I will not be able to do this on my own. Readers will come to know who will be supporting me and how as the months progress. This self initiated spiritual intervention was motivated by the loss of someone I care deeply for and my genuine disappointment in my own inability to be a balanced person on a daily basis in all aspects of my life. Sunday January 19th after heading home in a very distraught emotional state I lost focus and was almost hit by a car at a major intersection. In a split second my physical existence was almost vaporized. I have a second chance. Without health of mind body emotions and soul we have nothing. You are welcome to join the journey of the freedom of my mind and liberation of my soul one step at a time.

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Urban Arts on an Indigenous Tip!! Look & See!!

Urban Arts on an Indigenous Tip!! Look & See!!

Why should you support Hashtag Poetry Portraits? Look and See!! Representing the best in arts engagement for kids and youth in priority neighbourhoods. Red Slam and Mahlikah Aweri.

NeighbourhoodArtsNetwork Artist Site

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